Mother’s Guilt

    If you are a parent, you know about guilt.  Not spending enough time with each child.  Not realizing that they are really sick until they throw up in the hall.  And it just doubles or triples when you have a kid with medical issues.  You feel bad because the other kids don’t get the same attention as the “sick” one. 

    We did this.  We chose to dump toxins into my healthy child.  We chose to make her sick.  I remember a conversation when she wasn’t eating.  She understood this cancer won’t kill her.  It won’t.  But chemo could.  At least the complications from chemo could.  Not eating for weeks, that could. 

   We all have the ebbs and flows of life.  But when you have a kid with cancer, even non life threatening cancer, it is much more of a roller coaster.  And just when I think we are leveling out, it hits again.  And I realize we are no where near the end of this ride. 

   Her white counts are low.  Like 200.  At 400 she has to stay home and stay away from anyone who might be sick.  It could put her in the hospital.  It could kill her.  It makes me want to throw up to even admit that.  But it’s the truth.  And we chose this path. 

   There has to be a better way.  There has to be treatment that doesn’t put the flu as the killer in a child’s life.  There has to be an option that doesn’t make a kid not eat for months so that they look like the kids in third world countries that are starving.  There has to be a better option other than sight or health. 

   It’s not about the hair, or the tube up her nose.  It’s about finding ways to help a child be healthy and happy.  Lead a full life.  Not loose a year or even a month of their precious childhood fighting something that wouldn’t even kill them. 

  It’s why I sew.  I can’t think about what I can’t control.  I can’t think about how sick this has made my healthy happy child. Or how my other kids have been robbed of these last two years.   I can put fabric together and create.  It’s about all I can do some days (along with doctors visits).

   So get involved.  Donate to St. Baldrick’s.  Volunteer for Make a Wish.  You can make a difference if only in the life of one sick child. (Or bring me fabric).  

And thanks again for all the prayers.  They make the most difference.   God is in charge.  He lets me know that most days.  It’s humbling.